Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Good company. Wouldn’t that be the answer? Unfortunately I’ve had some struggles these past three years and those who said they’d be there for me scattered. I’d be lucky to get a few phone calls or texts a week. You see, society expects you to keep your “Facebook Face” on all the time. My life is perfect. I never struggle. Look at my family photos. Look at my latest vacation. Here, let me post some positive motivational BS so that I appear to be happy, content, financially secure and well put together.
The reality? I’m struggling. Struggling to keep my anxiety manageable. Struggling to keep smiling when I have my children every other week. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to eat, to wash myself, to shave, to do all those things that “normal” people take for granted.
I’ve been asked before, “why are you so worried, so stressed? You’re financially stable, have nice kids, cute dogs, a great boyfriend. A good paying job. So what’s the f’Ing problem? Well, if I knew, I’d figure it all out and I could actually live the lie that I create for myself online and in person. That put together person with a tonne of friends, places to go, people to see. Unfortunately I feel like staring at the ceiling and spacing out. I’ve been suicidal before and I just got put into a holding cell for 24 hours and let go. I’ve been an in patient 4 times in the psych ward. All I learned was that my psychiatrist didn’t think I’d survive and I reacted badly to all the psychiatric drugs they pumped into me.
When I feel really bad I try to reach out and all I get in return is anger and frustration. My solution? I turn my destruction inward and try to sleep most of the day away to avoid feeling lonely, depressed, unmotivated. Basically, a loser.
If I knew the answers I’d post them here. All I know is if you struggle, don’t tell your family. Don’t tell your friends. They’ll scatter like rats discovered in an old cave. Family isn’t much better. Probably worse.
Life sucks sometimes. Things get hard. Don’t lose that Facebook persona. It will bite you in the ass. If you fee alone, you probably are.
The answer? I don’t have one. Only time will tell where I end up and how things will pan out for me. Until then, the secret struggle continues.