It’s been a difficult road. A husband who was never home, parents who grew up in a communist society who did not know how to show love, and in-laws that always excluded me when we had family gatherings.
I’m divorced now. I have a boyfriend. He’s amazing. We have been together for 13 months now and he’s the love of my life. I have two teen daughters who fill my eyes with pride and joy.
What still floors me is how many people abandoned me when my divorce came about. Other than my kids, my dogs and my boyfriend I really have nobody. Before I met my boyfriend I started to visit a local meditation center just to get out of the house. I started seeing regulars there and felt like we were a little community of like-minded people. I wouldn’t say I was happy but I can say that I was able to elude the constant feelings of loneliness. I used to have many friends. I always had something to do. When my children were very young the moms would spend so much time laughing and giggling at pick up and drop off at preschool, dance, gymnastics, karate, swimming, kindergarten.
I can honestly say that it felt good. I felt like I was a part of something, if only for a moment in time. I’ve always had trouble forming bonds with people. It may be the fear of abandonment or the fear of getting hurt. I have two sides to me. One side wants to be with others, enjoy their company, have fun. The other side of me is tired, wants to lay around when I’m not working, needs rest. It’s been a constant battle since I was a small child.
I see how people are in Latin America and I want this so badly for myself. I want that close family. Support. Love. I don’t feel like I get that anywhere but with my boyfriend. My kids love me, that I am sure of. But they dance almost every day and I’m alone a lot. I don’t notice it on work days. When I have a day off and my boyfriend is not with me the loneliness creeps in.
I was very ill for three years and I spent half that time laying in bed. Unable to do the simplest tasks like brushing my hair or taking a shower. I disappeared. I was a ghost. Now I am feeling better but still very tired. I want to do things. Connect with others. Make an impact. Feel appreciated. But I’m so goddamn tired.
If anyone reads this I’d love your feedback on how you deal with loneliness when you have overwhelming fatigue. For now, I just take it one day at a time.